LumiLumi / For parents
Tantrums at 2 and 3: why they happen and what helps
Tantrums happen most between ages 1 and 3, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics, and they tend to get better after 3. A 2 year old who melts down over the wrong cup is on schedule.
During the tantrum
- Stay as calm as you can. A toddler borrows your calm before they have their own.
- Offer a small choice between two things: “Red cup or blue cup?” Skip yes-or-no questions.
- Distract. Move to another room, offer a different toy, sing something silly.
- Stop hitting or biting right away and say it isn’t okay.
Preventing some of them
- Feed and rest first. Hunger and tiredness are behind a lot of tantrums.
- Give a heads-up before a change: “Two more slides, then shoes.”
- Notice good moments out loud.
- Keep the rules the same from one day to the next.
Three exercises to start with
Lumi’s exercises are written for ages 4 to 8. These three are the simplest, and a 3 year old can follow a shorter version: use fewer words, do one part, and stop while it’s still fun.
Big Hugs
This exercise uses warm physical connection to help the body settle. A long hug can help your child’s nervous system slow down and feel safe. It reminds them that they can always come to you for comfort. Always ask first: a hug helps only when your child wants one.
- Create a Quiet Island. Invite your child to pause for a moment and visit a pretend Quiet Island: a place with no rushing, no noise, only the two of you.Say: “Let’s sail to our Quiet Island for a minute. It’s a quiet place where we can just be close together.”
- The Long Hug. Ask first. Hug your child for about 20 seconds if they want to. They can end the hug anytime. Go for a slow, steady hug rather than a quick squeeze.Say: “Would you like a big, long hug? You can stop whenever you want. Let’s count quietly to twenty. No rush.”
- Two Breaths Together. Invite your child to notice your breathing and slowly match it, as if you’re breathing as one. Breathe a little slower and deeper than usual so your child can follow.Say: “Can you feel how I’m breathing? My breath in, your breath in. My breath out, your breath out. Let’s breathe slow and big, together.”
- Room for Every Feeling. If your child is upset, remind them that the hug has room for the feeling too. Nothing needs to be pushed away. If your child doesn’t want a hug right now, sit close by and offer again later.Say: “Even if Sadness or Anger is here, it can come into the hug too. All your feelings are welcome on our island.”
- Slowly Let Go. End when your child’s shoulders soften or their breathing slows, or when your child wants to stop. Then gently open the hug.Say: “Let’s slowly open the hug and sail back from our island. How does your body feel now? Is anything softer? If nothing changed, that’s okay.”
Candle Breathing
This playful breathing exercise teaches children to slow down their body with a long, gentle breath out. It helps when a restless or worried feeling shows up and gives your child a simple way to feel steady again. Practice it first when your child is calm, so it’s easier to use when feelings are big.
- The Magic Candle. Ask your child to hold up one finger as a pretend candle.Say: “Let’s pretend your finger is a magic candle. What color is it today? Look at the little flame. It wiggles with even the tiniest breath.”
- Gentle Breath In. Before breathing toward the candle, take a slow breath in through the nose. It doesn’t need to be big. The slow breath out is what matters most.Say: “Put your hand on your belly. Breathe in gently through your nose. You don’t need a huge breath. Just a nice, slow one.”
- Make the Flame Dance. Now breathe out slowly through softly rounded lips. The goal is not to blow the candle out, but to make the flame gently move.Say: “Now breathe out very slowly, like you want the flame to dance but not go out. Long and gentle. That’s it.”
- Breathe with the Visitor. If your child is upset, name the feeling you notice and invite it to sit nearby and watch the candle breathing.Say: “Looks like Worry came to watch. Worry likes fast, puffy breaths. Let’s show it our slow, gentle breath.”
- A Quiet Moment. After 5–7 breaths, pause and ask your child what they notice in their body.Say: “One last slow breath, and now we softly blow the candle out. Close your eyes for a second. What do you notice in your body now? It’s okay if nothing changed.”
Emotional Echo
This gentle game helps children feel seen and understood. It teaches them that feelings aren’t enemies. They’re visitors that come and go. By naming the feeling out loud without judgment, you help your child feel safe and less alone.
- Become Echo Catchers. Explain that you’re going to play a special listening game: you’ll be Echo Catchers who listen carefully for feelings. Introduce the game when your child is calm. Later, when feelings are big, just use the echo.Say: “Let’s play Echo Catchers. We’re not listening for regular sounds. We’re listening for feelings. I’ll be your helper and gently echo what I notice.”
- Notice the Visitor. When your child is upset, angry, scared, or even excited, pause before reacting. First, simply notice what feeling seems to have shown up.Say: “Let’s be quiet for a moment. Who’s visiting you right now? Sadness? Anger? Fear? Tiredness? Or maybe Joy?”
- Say the Echo Out Loud. Get down to your child’s eye level and use a soft voice. Name the feeling gently, like an echo, not a correction, and without blame. You might add what happened: “You’re sad because your tower fell.”Say: “I think Sadness came to visit you. You’re sad because your tower fell. That makes sense.”
- Check If It Fits. Pause and give your child time to respond. They may agree, or they may correct you, for example: “No, I’m not sad, I’m tired.” Either answer is useful. Thank them and use their word.Say: “Did I get it right, or is it a different feeling? Thank you for telling me. So it’s Tiredness. You know your feelings best.”
- Stay Together. Offer a hug or a gentle touch only if your child wants it. Sitting close works too. All feelings are okay. Not all actions are. With Anger, you can say: “It’s okay to be angry. It’s not okay to hit.”Say: “Want to sit together with this sad feeling for a little while? I’m right here. Your feelings don’t scare me. You can have a hug if you want one.”
When to talk to the pediatrician
Bring it up at the next visit if your child hurts themselves or others during tantrums, if tantrums are getting worse instead of easing as your child approaches 4, or if you’re worried.
For older kids, see tantrums at 4, 5 and 6. If mornings at daycare are the hard part, see the goodbye routine for drop-off.
Lumi is a set of self-help exercises for families. It isn’t a treatment and doesn’t replace a pediatrician or a child psychologist. If you’re worried about your child’s safety, call 988 or your local emergency number.
Sources
- Top Tips for Surviving Tantrums, American Academy of Pediatrics, HealthyChildren.org.
Questions parents ask
Are tantrums normal at 2 and 3?
Yes. The American Academy of Pediatrics says tantrums happen most between ages 1 and 3 and tend to get better after 3.
How do I stop a toddler tantrum?
Stay calm, offer a choice between two things, distract by changing the room or the activity, and stop hitting or biting right away.
When do tantrums stop?
They tend to ease after age 3. Many kids still have some at 4, 5 and 6, usually when tired, hungry or rushed.
