LumiLumi / For parents
Emotional regulation for kids
Emotional regulation is the skill of noticing a feeling, naming it, and choosing what to do with it instead of being run by it. Children aren’t born with it. They learn it from adults, first by being calmed, then by being coached, and it keeps developing through the school years.
What it looks like at 4 to 8
A child who is learning to regulate still gets angry, scared and disappointed. The difference shows in what happens next: they can say “I’m mad” instead of hitting, they recover a little faster, and they start to use something that helps, such as a breath, a hug or a quiet spot. Expect progress to be uneven. Tired, hungry and sick days look like a step back, and they aren’t.
Emotion coaching: the CDC’s five steps
- Notice. Watch for your child’s emotions through the day, the small ones too.
- Connect. Show you’ve noticed with eye contact, a quick smile or a gentle touch.
- Listen. Use your words, tone and body language to show you understand.
- Name. Say the emotion out loud in simple words, so your child learns the word for it.
- Find good solutions. Accept the feeling first, then set a limit on hurtful behavior if you need to.
The order matters. A limit lands better after the feeling has been heard: “You’re really mad that it’s time to leave. I won’t let you kick. Let’s stomp to the car instead.”
Four ideas from pediatricians
The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests four kinds of play that build the same skill:
- Label feelings with colors. Sorting feelings into zones makes for calmer conversations. See Zones of Regulation at home.
- Talk about your own feelings. Children learn a lot from watching adults solve their own emotional problems out loud.
- Get the energy out. Jumping, a bear hug, a favorite book or music.
- Use pretend play. Drawing, dress-up and music let a child work through a feeling without having to explain it.
Four exercises to practice
Do them on a calm day. A skill practiced when things are easy is the one a child can reach for when things are hard. A feelings chart on the wall and a calm-down corner give the practice a place to live.
Emotion Thermometer
This exercise teaches children to measure how strong a feeling is, turning it from something overwhelming into something they can understand. Naming the “temperature” of a feeling helps children notice when a feeling is getting too hot and use cooling skills before it takes over.
- Your Inner Thermometer. Explain that each of us has an invisible thermometer inside that shows how “hot” our feelings are. Practice when your child is calm, so they can use it later when feelings are big. For younger kids, use 1 to 5, or show it with your hands: small, medium, big.Say: “Let’s check your feelings thermometer today. It goes from 1 to 10. One means cool and calm, and ten means as hot as a volcano!”
- Set the Scale. Help your child understand the numbers. A 2 might mean feeling a little sad or annoyed. An 8 might mean wanting to stomp, shout, cry, or hide.Say: “Let’s say 1 is very calm, and 10 is the biggest feeling you’ve ever had. Where is your feeling right now? Let’s find the number together.”
- Measure the Visitor. When a strong feeling shows up, ask your child to simply name a number. Looking for the number helps create a little space between your child and the feeling.Say: “I can see a really big feeling is here. Is it a 5, or a 9? You can show me with your fingers.”
- Cooling Action. If the number is higher than 7, offer a cooling action: a few slow breaths, a sip of cold water, squeezing a pillow, or a walk around the room. The goal isn’t to push the feeling away, but to help your child get back the ability to choose what to do.Say: “A 9 is really hot. Let’s take a few slow breaths together so your body can cool down. You can squeeze a pillow too. Then we can figure out what this feeling is trying to tell us.”
- Watch the Number Change. After a few minutes, let your child check the number again. Help them see that feelings change and no feeling stays at 10 forever. If it’s still high, that’s okay. Big feelings can take a while. Try another cooling action.Say: “Let’s check again. What number is it now? Is it the same, lower, or higher? Any number is okay. You’re getting really good at noticing your feelings.”
Where Does This Feeling Live?
This exercise helps children connect feelings with body sensations. When a child learns to find where a feeling “lives” in the body, the feeling often becomes less overwhelming. The child learns to notice body sensations without fighting them. If focusing on the body makes your child more upset, stop and switch to something outside: name three things you can see.
- A Visitor Has Arrived. Explain that every feeling visitor, like Anger, Fear, Sadness, or Worry, likes to stay somewhere in the body. Together, you’ll look for where it’s staying right now.Say: “It looks like a feeling visitor has arrived. Let’s find where it’s staying in your body right now. Ready to look?”
- Search the Body’s Rooms. Gently check the main “rooms” of the body together: the belly, chest, throat, shoulders, hands, and face.Say: “Let’s look in your tummy first. Is it calm, tight, jumpy, or twisty? Now put a hand on your chest. What do you notice there? Maybe the visitor is in your shoulders or hands.”
- Describe the Visitor. Once the place is found, describe the feeling there. Use kid-friendly comparisons: heavy like a stone, prickly like a cactus, shaky like jelly, warm like cocoa.Say: “Oh, you found it! What is it like there? Is it hard or soft? Heavy or light? If we could color it, what color would it be?”
- Let the Visitor Stay. This is the part where we let the feeling be. We’re not trying to kick it out. We simply say, “Yes, it’s here,” and let it stay for a while.Say: “Let’s say to this feeling, “Hi. I know you’re here. You can stay for a bit. I’m not pushing you away.” What do you notice now?”
- Breathe Toward That Place. Invite your child to send a soft breath toward the place where the feeling lives. This isn’t to make the feeling disappear. It’s to care for the body while the feeling is there.Say: “Take a slow breath and imagine your breath out is a soft cloud around the feeling. We’re just breathing near it. How does your body feel now? If it still feels big, that’s okay.”
Snow Globe
Your child imagines being a snow globe. When feelings get big, it’s like someone shook the globe, and thoughts swirl around like glitter. By staying as still as they can and breathing slowly, your child watches the glitter settle on its own. The glitter doesn’t disappear. It just settles at the bottom. A real snow globe or glitter jar works especially well for younger kids. Practice on calm days first, so it’s easier to use when feelings get big.
- Shake the Globe. Show your child a snow globe or glitter jar, or ask them to imagine one. Shake it together and watch the glitter fly around. Explain that when feelings get big, our thoughts can swirl just like this.Say: “Look at all that glitter flying around! That’s what it can feel like inside when you’re upset. Lots of thoughts, all spinning at once.”
- Watch the Glitter Swirl. Name a few “glitter thoughts” together. Keep it light. Each sparkle can be a thought, a worry, or a busy feeling. There’s no need to fix any of them.Say: “Each sparkle is like a thought. What thoughts are spinning around in your head right now? Let’s name a couple.”
- Be Still Like a Globe. Invite your child to stay as still as they can, like a snow globe sitting on a shelf. Perfect stillness isn’t the goal. Wiggles are okay. Breathe slowly together.Say: “Let’s be snow globes on a shelf. Stay as still as you can. Wiggles are okay! Breathe in slowly. Now breathe out slowly.”
- Let It Settle. Watch the glitter slowly float down, in the real jar or in your imagination. Point out that the glitter doesn’t disappear. It’s all still inside the globe. It just settles at the bottom. Thoughts can work the same way.Say: “Look, the glitter is floating down, little by little. It’s not gone. It’s just resting at the bottom. Your thoughts can rest there too.”
- A Clear View. When most of the glitter has settled, notice together how much easier it is to see through the globe. Ask an open question about how your child feels now. If the glitter is still swirling, that’s okay too.Say: “Now we can see through the globe again. How do you feel inside now? If it still feels swirly, that’s okay. We can wait a little longer.”
Emotion Wave
This exercise helps children get through the strongest part of a big feeling without pushing it down or running away from it. They learn to “ride” the feeling like a wave and see that every feeling has a beginning, a peak, and an end. Practice first when your child is calm, using a remembered feeling. Then, during a real big feeling, just say: “Let’s ride the wave.”
- The Ocean Inside. Explain that our inner world is like a big ocean. Sometimes it’s calm, and sometimes a big wave rises: a strong feeling. We can’t stop a wave with our hands, but we can learn to ride it.Say: “Imagine we’re standing by the ocean. Your feeling is a big wave, growing taller and taller. We won’t try to stop it. We’ll be surfers. Ready to step onto your board?”
- Stand on the Board. Invite your child to stand on a rug or sit on a pillow and imagine a surfboard underneath. Their breath is the board that keeps them steady.Say: “Can you feel the wave lifting you? Breathe slowly. Your breath is your board. We’re just staying balanced while the wave carries us. You don’t need to fight it.”
- The Top of the Wave. This is the hardest moment: the feeling is at its strongest. Remind your child that waves don’t grow forever. Sooner or later, every wave comes down.Say: “This wave is big. Waves always come down, even the biggest ones. Stay on your board. I’m right here with you.”
- Coming Down. Check in together on what’s happening in the body. Let your child tell you where the wave is now. If it’s still big, keep riding together.Say: “Is the wave getting smaller yet? Where is it now? What number is it, from 1 to 10? Whatever it is, you’re still riding.”
- Rest on the Sand. When the wave has passed, help your child notice how their body feels now.Say: “Now we’re back on the warm sand. You didn’t have to fight the wave. You rode it. How does your body feel now?”
When to ask for help
Talk to your pediatrician if outbursts are getting more frequent or more intense as your child gets older, if your child hurts themselves or others, or if big feelings are getting in the way of school, sleep or friendships.
Lumi is a set of self-help exercises for families. It isn’t a treatment and doesn’t replace a pediatrician or a child psychologist. If you’re worried about your child’s safety, call 988 or your local emergency number.
Sources
- Tips for Noticing and Naming Emotions, Essentials for Parenting Toddlers, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
- 4 Play Activities to Help Children Manage Emotions, American Academy of Pediatrics, HealthyChildren.org, updated 2023.
Questions parents ask
What is emotional regulation in children?
It is the skill of noticing a feeling, naming it, and choosing what to do with it instead of being run by it. Children learn it gradually from the adults around them.
How do I teach my child emotional regulation?
The CDC describes five emotion coaching steps: notice the emotion, connect, listen, name the emotion out loud, and find good solutions, accepting the feeling first and then setting limits on hurtful behavior.
What are emotional regulation activities for kids?
Labeling feelings with colors, rating how big a feeling is on a thermometer, finding where the feeling sits in the body, watching a snow globe settle, and slow breathing. Each takes about five minutes.
At what age do children learn to regulate emotions?
The skill starts developing in the toddler years and keeps growing through elementary school. The exercises on this page are written for ages 4 to 8.
